See-through me.

I am sad, and I am struggling.

I am sad that I am not married.  I don’t have the “privilege,” as I heard it called the other day, of being someone’s wife.  I don’t have the joy of sharing my life with someone.  I am not someone’s best friend.  I am alone. 

I am sad that I am not a mother – that God hasn’t chosen me to bring a little life into the world, or to adopt a little life he’s already created and mother it.  I know that adoption can be an option for me someday, and it’s one I am thankful for, but still.  It’s sort of an unknown and a maybe.  It’s not now.

I am sad that I am not stronger in the face of these disappointments – and that I count them disappointments at all.  Why can’t I consider them pure joy, as the Bible commands?  Why do I struggle so with giving them over to Jesus?  Why do I waver so much on my committment to Him?  I can’t answer.  I can’t.

 I am sad that I lost my uncle this week.  I am sad that I can’t say for sure that I know he’s in heaven.  I can’t say for sure he’s not, either, but the fact is – I don’t know.  And I am sad that I don’t know.  I am sad for that.

I am sad that my life isn’t what I thought it would be 10 years ago.  I feel like I am living in a cloud – that I am just moving from day to day, from stage to stage, and I am missing it.  Isn’t that silly?  I feel like I am just out of reach of the life I wish I had. 

I don’t say all this to bum y’all out…I guess I just say it to get it out there.  There’s a Nichole Nordeman song, Even Then, that says, “So I put aside this masquerade and admit that I am not okay.”  I guess that is what I am trying to do here.  Just admit the truth.  Because believe me – hiding it doesn’t make it any less true.

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4 responses to “See-through me.

  1. Big hugs to you tonight…xoxo

  2. Kim dear,
    I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better… but only He can do that, and so I’ll keep on praying.
    Sending big hugs your way…

  3. Kim dear,
    I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better… but only He can do that, and so I’ll keep on praying.
    Sending big hugs your way…

  4. Though I know I’m late on this (I only today gained access to your blog), just wanted to say that I wish I had answers for questions like yours. I don’t know why everyone’s lives are all so different and difficult, each in their own way.

    I’ll keep praying for you and for a husband. I know that’s the desire of your heart. And though it’s slow coming (and sometimes nonexistent), I’ll pray for contentment in the interim.

    :hugs:
    Jess

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